A soft landing ...

Some seasons are tough. Some are gentle. Sometimes they're a lot of both ...

... and hindsight can be a great teacher.

In the middle of 2021 I was unexpected ‘launched’ and separated from the start up I co-founded. After months of tortuous communication and attempts at authentic connection, I found myself maneuvered out. It was a very painful season for me, leaving me spiraling and paralyzed with self-doubt. At the back of my mind, however, was this image - the first successful landing of a space rocket, SpaceX’s Starship SN15:

Here's the story: As I was enduring the farewell given for me at the company that had been incubating our startup, the screen at the back of the room was following this launch. Just as it was my turn to speak, the rocket took off, and as I was finishing, down it came again - a safe and successful landing. I held onto the hopefulness of this image through the confusion and that continued in the weeks to come, waiting for my own safe landing. I’m grateful to the people who loved and supported me through the weeks that followed, particularly the team that subsequently gave me work to focus what energy I had left into, and then launched me with freedom and a safety net into my next endeavour.

I’ve wondered why that season was so difficult for me. I discovered some answers in mid 2022 listening to Simon Hurry’s Talent2Titan podcast on “The Talent of Developer”. Turns out that the circumstances couldn’t have been any worse for me. With a knack for teasing out the interaction of the "theme dynamics" and human psychology behind CliftonStrengths, Simon unpacked the mindset and needs of Developer and had my jaw dropping, my head nodding, and my eyes lighting up with the joy of insight and understanding.

You see, I’ve been unfairly jettisoned before, and finding myself in the same situation with people I'd deeply trusted rattled me to my core. I had tried so hard to rationalise, accept and understand the full 360 degrees of cause and effect. What this looked like was self-blame and introspection, refusing to let myself judge others’ motives or actions without evidence, always assuming the best of them, and never losing hope of a positive way forward. While that sounded good, it didn't actually help my recovery.

I've always seen my #3 Developer talent theme as something I pour into others. It's a "Relationship Building" theme and I love to build and grow the potential in others. What I'm learning now is how this dominant theme affects how I see the world and therefore what I need from others.

Theme Dynamics is the way talent themes interact with each other. The first half of 2021 was a season where my Strategic, Connectedness, Relator and Learner were on hyperdrive, deeply affecting how I understood what was going on around me. On the hardest days I was physically and emotionally separated from my team; treated like an outsider, given shifting commitments that proved false; and I was judged against impossible and disconnected requirements, all while feeling 'gaslit' as being the source of the problem. For the longest time I felt that if only I could reconnect and learn more about the context of what was going on, of why good people were acting the way they were, I could find a way to get past the mysteries and unknowns and ultimately rescue a project I still believed it. But those with power and resources were using that power to jettison me, in the corporate legal sense as well as relationally. Experienced advisors told me I had "a right to an explanation;" but the real world doesn't work that way and I've never been able to get to the bottom of what went on. All of my best guesses have been too ugly to be believable, so I've simply had to forgive and try to move forward.

But how could I heal and come out stronger? Part of that for me has been understanding what MY Developer needs. And for that, to Simon Hurry, I am very grateful.

The following transcripted from his podcast was revelatory. After discussing the fact that people with dominant Developer tend to be caring, patient, generous, non-judgmental, and focused on nurturing others' development, he said the following:

"Environment is very important for them. They need to be consistently placed in the right environment where these behaviours will by nature come across as a strength and not a weakness. If you put them in the wrong environment these will immediately become destructive behaviours, not for anyone else, but for them. Because if they’re in an environment where people take, take, take and have no honest intention to actually value their growth and they’re using and exploiting it, that is where the pain, disappointment and hurt really sits for Developer, as there is nothing worse for them than to realise that that generosity has been used, literally been used. The hardest thing is that because of these values and because of these themes they cannot do anything even about that feeling. Because, you’ve got to be patient, you can’t give up, it’s okay, it was obviously a mistake, or something happened and you rationalise it, they will come back one day and apologise, when they realise, you know, now that they’re a better human, they will come back, and that’s all good."

For good and bad, that all sounded very familiar. Simon didn't leave the conversation there though, and went on to describe graduated boundaries, concentric circles of relationship, of sitting across the table from someone (i.e. it's a professional rather personal relationship), of appreciating the timeline of relationships (i.e. that relationships end, that not all will continue into your future), and of managing the time you invest into friendships with mutual respect, otherwise people need to make an appointment.

So how do you fill the tank of a Developer in your life? It's pretty simple really ... be present, connect, and just ask them ... “How are you?”

Every time my current manager asks me that question, I feel safe and valued. I've landed in a soft place. And that's a place I can build my future from.

As Simon did in his podcast, I will finish with this quote by Andre Agassi from his book "Open. An Autobiography":

“Remember this. Hold on to this. This is the only perfection there is, the perfection of helping others. This is the only thing we can do that has any lasting meaning. This is why we're here. To make each other feel safe.”

Link to Simon Hurry's podca

https://open.spotify.com/episode/0aPJWe0WvdeDvOUdNQ7ufG?si=b10d357c939c4909